Such a horrible week. Sunday, I talked to my dad while he was in ICU.  Then I had to make the decision to take him off life support. He died five minutes after they unhooked him. yesterday.  I feel ashamed, sad, hurt, lost, empty.  Ashamed because I didn't visit him more. an airplane ride and I know he would have picked me up at the airport. Sad.. I was the last one he talked to. lost.. so many years we passed and we didn't talk. and empty, i loved my dad.

We're not sure when the funeral is, an autopsy is being done because the doctors and specialists just don't know what killed him. it had something to do with his liver, but everything they knew to do, failed. So, they want to see what was going on, so maybe if they see a case like this again, they might know how to heal that person.  It should be about a week.  He was retired military, so he'll get a nice funeral. Chris and I are driving to Illinois because that is where the family plot is.. and darnit.. I wanted one of the 9 puppies that were in  his house. I'm the only one not getting one, a small part of something he loved.  And since my half brother just robbed the house, there isn't much left to cling on to.

Dad.. i will love you always, and someday, i'll see you again.  Your shelli. always.

and if I don't get my chemo soon, I'll be joining him sooner than anyone wants. damnit.  it was supposed to be here Wednesday.