2 weeks into the new chemo update

Technically, this would be the beginning of week three :)  I'm happy so far. the only side effect i've noticed is aversion to certain foods. Chicken, pork, beef, I can eat them but slowly or i am nauseous quickly.  I also forget to eat and that happened with both chemos. I'm not hungry so i don't eat. Which would make one think you'd lose some weight.. right? not. I have been pushing protein lately. I make a shake in the morning which is: 1 scoop protein powder, some fruit, 1/2 cup whole milk, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 1 tbsp peanutbutter and blend. That usually takes me until lunch. 

I have also shown signs of retaining water, even though I take a prescription water pill.  So, i'll be talking to my primary care doc about looking into a higher dosage or a different one altogether.

DOC had an all hands meeting today to discuss the government shut down and read off a list of names that they considered essential employees, those who'll have to work even if the shut down happens. Guess who's name was on that list. I'm a secretary... i don't really think my job is essential, especially since I'll be at work, not getting paid, and everyone else in the fed govt will be at home not getting paid. And if congress somehow later decides to pay folks for how many days they had off.. great. but i'd like to be one of those relaxing at home. I'm glad that i'm important enough to not furlough though. Still would have enjoyed those few days off work. LOL especially since I have zero leave.

CFC has started and i signed up for a couple events to raise money. I'm making a vegetarian chili for the chili cookoff, I'm bringing in a dessert for the luncheon and tomorrow is Red, white and blue day.. and i'm gonna be decked out, even the hair. hopefully, someone will take a photo and i can add it. :)  

well, my nighttime meds are hitting and i still need to read some of my chapter for sunday's quiz and read newt gingrich's article on profiling and give my input. 

fun.

nighty night.

this little brown pill.

is making me retain some serious water.  I have gained weight and my doctor says to eat less. I swear i want to clock the bastid for saying that, because if he knew what I ATE every day, he'd know I don't consume enough calories to GAIN.   jerkwad.  anyway, i feel like a bloated up slug after someone has pour salt on me. and I itch. my legs itch terribly.


still, a small price to pay for life. so i'll take it.  I have another doctors appointment on Wednesday, so we'll see if the blood results from last week are lower than they were the week before.  if not, then we're back to square one.

Well, today is the first day in about 2 weeks that I've been able to take a deep breath without feeling like my heart was going to explode.  I thought for sure it was a side effect of the new chemo, but I guess the doctor really does know best in this instance because as I've been taking the zantac stuff, it's getting better. YAY.

Gonna post some photos of the funeral in Missouri.  Just for memories sake.

Such a horrible week. Sunday, I talked to my dad while he was in ICU.  Then I had to make the decision to take him off life support. He died five minutes after they unhooked him. yesterday.  I feel ashamed, sad, hurt, lost, empty.  Ashamed because I didn't visit him more. an airplane ride and I know he would have picked me up at the airport. Sad.. I was the last one he talked to. lost.. so many years we passed and we didn't talk. and empty, i loved my dad.

We're not sure when the funeral is, an autopsy is being done because the doctors and specialists just don't know what killed him. it had something to do with his liver, but everything they knew to do, failed. So, they want to see what was going on, so maybe if they see a case like this again, they might know how to heal that person.  It should be about a week.  He was retired military, so he'll get a nice funeral. Chris and I are driving to Illinois because that is where the family plot is.. and darnit.. I wanted one of the 9 puppies that were in  his house. I'm the only one not getting one, a small part of something he loved.  And since my half brother just robbed the house, there isn't much left to cling on to.

Dad.. i will love you always, and someday, i'll see you again.  Your shelli. always.

and if I don't get my chemo soon, I'll be joining him sooner than anyone wants. damnit.  it was supposed to be here Wednesday. 

Really frustrated with AETNA and happy about my kids....

so this is a happy AND mad post!  

First the happy.  Joey is enrolled in a college class WHOOOT WHOOOT, and since he has the same teacher that I had, I can give him my book and save John 89 bucks. Makes sense.

Saturday, Lucas and I helped Amber move into her dorm at the University of Maryland Baltimore Honors college. It's a neat little set up, you walk in the front door and there is a little living room with sofa and coffee table and one chair. To the left is a bedroom for two, and to the right is another bedroom for two people, in the middle of the room is the shower/toilet. Funny, there is no sink to wash your hands in the bathroom. You have to go to your bedroom to wash your hands. I found that a bit strange. Anyway, She's settled, and the room looked pretty decent sized for two girls.  I miss her more than I .. hell, i knew I was going to miss her this much. but it's nice that she's not too far up the road.  Joey and I start school after labor day.  And I am planning to take a water aerobics class in addition to my class class.  Gotta talk to Chris about that one.

the bad.  AETNA denied me chemotherapy to treat my cancer. the bastards.  And they denied the appeal. bastards again.  Dr. Fox said we had a year before we had to worry, but that time frame is quickly counting down and I need chemo, in his words, STAT.  So, he contacted the manufacture of the medicine and they called me on Friday.  We did a pre-screening and it seems I qualify for their free treatment plan, which is good because chemo costs about 9 thousand a month. I should be getting another phone call within a few days to set up delivery for the first month, then when I fill out the financial information (when I get the packet), they set it up so I get auto monthly deliveries, FREE of charge.  I can't believe that I pay a lot of money for a primo family plan insurance, and they deny me medicine that will put me in remission.

I still love my job. No lie. I love the people I work with, I love the building and the history, I love the work I do, I don't even mind waking up at 4:45am to catch the bus.  I just love it.

enough for the moment, I gotta chug down some lunch, then head to the gym downstairs for the last week of the challenge.

ta for now!

Wow, I must really love the job!

I get dressed and kiss the husband g'bye and go downstairs.  Look at the clock and freaking go into hyper speed mode.  Grab the lunch, shove it into the suit case thing, get purse and head out the door. Get into car and rearrange the suitcase thing so I can bring in the new 5 cup coffee maker, coffee, and creamer into the office. doesn't fit, so dig in trunk for another bag. The whole time I'm freaking out because I'm late for the bus and know will have to take the last one in and I'll be late for work.

I fly down the road, come to a sudden stop for some slow assed geese getting in my way, wait for the last grandpa looking fella to move and haul more ass.  Pull into the parking lot and then I hear, "Good Morning!  It is now 6:00 am and time for our FRIIIIIIIIDAY SONG". 

WHAT THE FLYING HELL????????

I don't have to catch the bus until 6:50am.  I was nearly an hour early!!!!  I coulda been SLEEPING, or enjoying a cup of coffee, or paying with my dog, or someting other than sitting in my car feeling like the worlds biggest dunce.

Now I'm tired and ready for bed.  That's what happens when the 4th of July happens in the middle of the week. GAH so sleepy. 

You know, Pop Tarts has invented a PEANUT BUTTER pop tart.  OMG I'm in heaven!!  nummy num!

Last nights fire works were ... meh.  Usually Charles County fairgrounds has a decent show, but last night, it was short and not that glorious.  Maybe it's because I had a frightened Chihuahua shoved up my shirt, but still... he only really freaked out when they did the finale. and even that was freaking short. The band sucked, the vendors sucked.... i think next year, we'll go to the Blue Crabs Stadium and hang out on the road or something.

Have some material from Nana and I can't WAIT to finally pick out a project to work on.  I've been working on Amber's quilt, but still don't know how to do the backing. And I've done a few bears, and now that I found the patterns for curtains, I'm making some for the livingroom.  Exciting!

It's so good to be on THIS side of the ground!

Update to the CAT scan I had done.  I was called by the Cardiologist to go to George Washington Hospital Center's cardio unit for an echocardiogram.  What they saw must have been pretty bad because I was told that they would have to do immediate surgery that night, or the chances of me being alive in the next two days were not good.

So, after the shock wore off, Chris and I head are taken back to the ER where I'm stripped and connected to a bunch of wires. I feel so bad for my husband, i've put him through so much and I know he's scared. This is my heart... only got one of those and it's in bad shape evidently.

At 8pm I'm taken to the OR where they put me on a smaller table and strap my arms down. They are doing an arterial IV line and after the 4th time of trying to get this thing in my vein, i'm starting to cry. it freaking hurts despite the 'numbing' stuff they inject.  Finally they give me the gas to go to sleep and I suppose that's when they find a good vein. All told, I have 9 holes where they tried to find a vein. 

I wake up to "Juanita..wake up, can you hear me" and I remember dreaming about camping because the 'wake up' part coincided with me and Chris coming out the tent door.  Nice huh? Even under surgery I dream of camping.

I get rolled to ICU (and share it with another lady) and I can barely move. hell, i don't even have the strength to lift my head, so whatever they knocked me out with is pretty damn potent.  The nurse tells me that surgery was great, they pulled 700cc's of fluid (a liter) and that I have two tubes in my chest to help drain off the rest. I'm also on morphine that I can have every 8 minutes, and no limit.  Chris talks the nurse into letting him stay, even though he wasn't supposed to be there because it wasn't a private room... i can't say how glad i was that he did. I was scared and having him there was comforting.  My neighbor was a very old lady who must have had some hip or back work done because she constantly called for the nurse for more pain meds. She didn't get them but she did ask.  poor lady.

I stay in  ICU until sometime Saturday and then am moved to the cardio unit (and a private room).  I feel so bad for hubby that i talk him into going home to sleep in a real bed. I know he's exhausted and I have plenty of people around checking on me every 30 minutes or so, i'll be okay till him comes back. 

By Tuesday i'm getting aggravated and tired, because every time I'd try to go to sleep, someone was coming in to take my blood, or check my pressure, or my temperature, and finally to remove the pee bag. then start hounding me on pooping. 

There is an old lady who is giving everyone fits. The first night in Cardio care, she's in the hallway right outside my door giving the nursing staff hell because she's hungry and she wants more food. Then she wanders around kinda lost like and gives them hell because she can't find her room. Or she wants coffee, or she doesn't want to do physical therapy. And she'll scream stuff like HELP ME, NURSE.. HELP ME.. SOMEONE HELP ME.. omg it was nerve wracking.  One of the nights my neighbor coded and I hear, "what?.. what are ya'll doing here?" and my nurse says, "your heart stopped" and the lady laughs and said, I was just sleeping"  me thinks her heart may have stopped for a second, but it was good to know that the cardio team really jumps into action with a code blue.

My favorite nurse was a guy named Kofi.  He was funny, kind, and nice to my husband. He didn't mind that Chris wanted to help, and seemed to welcome it. Poor guy actually had to give me a suppository to help me poop. THAT was a major humiliation, but after all the morphine, toradol, and various other pain meds, I was one blocked up chick. It worked though.

Wednesday morning they hinted that I may get to go home that day, if my wounds looked good after taking out the tubes, and if I kept my blood pressure down. they had a heck of a time getting it below 100. usually it was in the 130's and as high as 147, RESTING. So tuesday was a good day because it was actually 100 all day long and meant i was one step closer to going home.

and that happened on Wednesday. yay!!  OH before i forget, taking out the drain tubes was not that bad. I expected a lot of pain because they went in through the bottom rib muscle, but no pain at all.

anyway, that was my exciting, almost meeting my maker moment and i wish to not repeat it anytime soon.   I talked to the doctor today wanted to know when I could go back to work and as much as I tried to make it next week, it's not until July 1. And even then, they didn't want a full day, but I told them i didn't do any lifting, just a desk job, and he was okay with letting me go full time.

so, my adventure still continues with trying to find a chemo to kill the CML, but because of what this last drug did to my heart, we're in no hurry to start another pill...  i want to enjoy my days on earth upright. not laying in ICU or any place else in the hospital.

the job is a damn fine group of people. I had only been working there 8 days when this happened, and now have had to take nearly 3 weeks off in the hospital and recovery. They told me to take as much time necessary, they miss me and want me well. Hell, i was with NOAA 5 years and not once did they send a get well card or flowers... this place did.  I have found my work home. They are great people.

tired and going night night. as i remember stuff, i'll write. things are a bit foggy from my stay but coming back in pieces

and prayers do work.... i had a lot of people praying for me.. and here I am. Thank you God.

and thank YOU darling hubby for being there for me every single step of the way. I lovve you.

So i've had a new complication to the Tasigna i was taking.

After getting rid of the pancreatitis, and everything went to normal size, i discovered I was having a difficult time breathing. I couldn't walk a few paces without having to stop for air. Walking up 4 steps had me gasping, and doing 15 minutes of light weight strolling had me clutching my chest and trying to breath. So, a CAT scan was ordered.

The results. i have fluid buildup around my heart. The official name is Pericardial effusion. A complication from taking certain chemos. nice ey?

The pericardium can hold only a limited amount of excess fluid without causing problems. The inner layer of the pericardium is made of a single layer of cells that sticks to the heart. The outer layer is thicker and only somewhat elastic. When too much liquid accumulates, the pericardium expands inward, toward the heart.
When pericardial effusion puts pressure on the heart, the pumping chambers of the heart fail to fill completely, and one or more chambers may partially collapse. This condition, called tamponade (tam-puh-NAYD), causes poor blood circulation and an inadequate supply of oxygen to the body. Tamponade is a life-threatening condition if left untreated.

so, we're not going to leave it untreated, because once my doctor got the results, he called me. Then he evidently called a cardiologist buddy of his, and HE called me to come in immediately (next two days). I guess they're not wanting to play, and i'm happy about that.

There was a 1 percent chance that I would get the Periocardial effusion. ONE percent. Why couldn't that ONE PERCENT have been hitting the 600 million dollar lottery?  no fair.   anyway, life goes on, This crap ain't gotta beat me,. it might make me tired as hell, might even hospitalize me for a few days, but I won't be brought down by a messed up ticker.

stomps foot. there!!

and they fooled me at the CAT scan place. i was assured that I wouldn't have to take the barrium stuff.. the stuff that they say tastes like lemons, but REALLY tastes like thick chalk with a hint of nothing. I said, dude.. i was only to get the IV. she says, 'no, you get this AND THE IV.  then I tried the, "i had the bypass.. i can't drink this whole bottle', to which atilla the hun says, "you will drink it all or sit there until you do.". it was down the hatch in 15 minutes. gross.

and don't be fooled, there is NO lemon flavor in that shit.

Welcome to my new job.

This building, if you start in one corner and walk all the way up, turn right, walk down, make a right and end up where you started, is a half mile walk. And I've gotten lost a lot this week. Today was a good day because I found the cafeteria. and it's like it's own little world down there. I had to get something to eat because i forgot a soup and was starving!

more later.... i actually  have work to do

LOL oh, and I need to not check into FAcebook as much, which I already know I shouldn't do, but curiosity kills me. So, I'll be legitimately working from here on out. Unless I'm blogging. :)

sigh

Photos coming soon on vacation. It was a great time, too short, loads of fun and NO RAIN.  and I can't wait to write about trying to pop a tent on the beach. Windy is an understatement.

Will write more later.  Need to close up shop and figure out just where I am in this maze of a building so I can book it to the bus stop.
glad it stopped raining!

Day 1.. leaving :)

 

first home. Assateaque Island. Yeah. Right on the beach!  except, if you look closely, you'll notice that the two tents in the background have totally collapsed.  Why? Because it was WINDY!!!  We tried to get our tent to stay in one spot, but the tent had other ideas.. so... we went to FrontierTown for those two days and paid visits to the island

 Before leaving, we had to let Fred go (the turtle) so why waste a perfectly good fishing day?

 Frontier Town pier.

Assateaque Island horsies

Beach time!

Home for a couple days.

YAY they caught the jackasses who robbed my boy

THREE SUSPECTS CHARGED IN CONNECTION WITH CARJACKING: On May 19 at 11:34 p.m., officers responded to the 3100 block of Knolewater Court in Waldorf for the report of a carjacking. The victim – a pizza delivery man – was making a delivery when he was approached by three suspects. One of the suspects assaulted the victim and all three suspects stole the pizza and fled in the victim’s car. The next day, three males were arrested for shoplifting at a store in Marlow Heights. Officers investigating the theft found evidence linking the suspects to the carjacking and as a result, the stolen car was recovered. The suspects, Brion Carr, 22, of Waldorf; Kurt Johnson, 22, of Waldorf, and a 17-year-old male from Calvert County were charged with armed robbery. Cpl R. Zink is investigating.

Well, the last 7 days have been interesting to say the least.  Last Monday, I called out sick to work because I was feeling kinda weird. My chest hurt and I thought I was catching a cold.  Then Tuesday, I felt better and went to work. About an hour of being at work, my chest started throbbing and it was kind of hard to catch a breath.  I've never had a heart attack, but I know the Tasigna messes with the heart and I was afraid that something was going on. I finished the day though and went home. I slept terrible. Laying on my stomach was the only way I felt comfort, laying on my side was excruciating, and by the time my alarm was going off, I had decided that there was no way I was going into work until I had my heart looked at. I sent a quick, "I'm going to be late today" email and went back to bed. By 8am the pain was so bad I was sure I was having a heart attack or that I had pneumonia. I woke Chris and said I was going to drive myself to Patient first, or maybe the hospital but that he could go back to sleep (dumb huh? I was in pain and not thinking rationally). We get to the emergency room and they do an EEG (or EKG?) what ever the heart thingy is and it must have been normal. They eventually send me back to ER room and I change into those sexy ass showing gowns they give ya and they hook me back up to heart monitor, and insert an IV into my arm.

At some point a guy comes in to take an xray of my chest, then the doctor comes in to say he's also ordered a CAT scan of my chest and abdomen. He also says that he thinks I have pancreatitis based on my blood results. The normal count in your pancreas is 0-30 and mine was 500. so something was a bit off there. Do the CAT scan and everything looks "unremarkable" and my guts felt a bit insulted. I'm remarkable!! :D

So, the ER doc calls my hematologist to let him know that the chemotherapy has caused my pancreas to throw a temper tantrum and I'm taken off Chemo until.. well.. whenever Dr. Fox says I can take them again. So, we go home with a note for work to be off 4 days and medication to help with the pain. Walking was so painful, bumps were painful, and I dreaded the stairs.

I was put on a liquid diet, broth, soup, juice, water. WOOHOOO. oh the meal possibilities! However, no one said how long to do this thing (and today I'm suffering a bit). All day Wednesday I hurt, and Chris does manage to get me upstairs and I think I took all but two of the pillows so I could sleep sitting upright. By the morning, I felt a bit better. by Thursday night, I could lay on my side but stairs still gave me a fit.  Friday, it was almost like nothing happened.

Last night I ate a piece of chicken and today, I have the achy chest and difficulty walking up stairs. So I called my primary doc and was told nothing spicy or harder than noodles for the next 5 days. a soft diet basically.

enough about me. lets talk Joey.

Baby boy comes over Sunday and practically spends all day with us.. it was a great day! He fusses about work, and how he doesn't want to go and that he's ready to quit, I talk him out of it because you need good job references and never quit a job till you have one lined up. right? that's what I was always taught. anyway.... onward.

he goes to work. The next day I log into face-book and see messages like, "if you see this car, call the police, or joey coller" and "car was stolen, joey roughed up, call police with information to the whereabouts to the car" and I'm like WTF?!  well, about midnight, Sunday, Joey is out on delivery and goes to the house on the ticket. he gets out the car with the pizza's and a guy is standing in front of him holing a flare gun on him, while the other two guys hop in his car. Then as the punks roll down the driveway in Joey's car, he tries to run after them and the punks are yelling at the other guy to "kick his ass". Which he does. With a pipe. on his head.  Joey said that he heard the 'kick his ass' part and before he could turn around and face the fucker, he was clocked in the back of the head and fell to the ground.  When he stumbled up, he was hit in the head again and wobbled but remained on his feet. He kinda remembers being stabbed in the back with something but not sure what. from the way it looks, it was the end of the pipe.

Joey goes into fight mode and starts to fight the guy and wrestles the pipe away and breaks it. Then lands a couple good blows to the punks face and the punk runs to Joey's, now stolen, car and take off. A neighbor had called police, and let joey use the phone to call his dad (but couldn't wake up) and then he called Domino's and someone came to get him. He refused to go to the hospital, but he really should have because by the time Dad and Amber took him to the doctor, it was too late for stitches. And he has two nasty gashes on the back of his head. I felt really bad, because I talked him into going to work that night. I should have said just stay here and keep me company. He probably would have gone to work anyway, but I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

Now good news.  I have another job. I start on June 3 and it will be at the Department of Commerce, in Washington, DC.  I'll be catching the bus at one of the commuter lots, maybe at my church .. I need to investigate the routes. But the pay is great, and I don't have to drive, which is even better, because the meds I'm on make me a bit drowsy and long drives lull me to sleep.

I gotta do some work, (I think my coworkers are plotting something cuz I hear a lot of people going into Gretchens office and money for.. and whispering). guess we'll find out in the next two days. haha

until tomorrow. I have work to do.

today's blogger challenge is.....

love

It wasn't that long ago I would have said something like, "love is a lie started by people who worked at Hallmark to sell stupid sappy cards".  However, I can attest that love does exist.
It exists in the baby you have born, and comes naturally without question or hesitancy. It's just there.  When the first time they look you in your eyes and you see yourself, the trust they have for you, the first laugh that melts your legs, their booboo's that break your heart.  The knowledge that deep in your soul, you would kill anyone who physically hurt them and spend your life in prison... gladly, to protect them.  I would die for them. Period.

Later, love comes when you look in the mirror and discover that you are a fine looking woman and who gives a flying monkeys ass what they said about you in your childhood and teenage years.  You love yourself.  Once that happens, real love comes along. You still love your children, but they love you back.  You love your furbabies, and they no DOUBT love you in return.

The sweetest love comes when your spouse loves you.  I am that lucky.  I can look in his blue eyes and see that he loves me.  I see it when he makes the bed. I smell it when the coffee pot is brewing at 5am. I hear it when he asks if I've taken my 6am chemotherapy pill. I also hear it when he knows I'm tired and he stays awake, after working at night, or spending a night awake because that's his schedule, and  he calls me and talks to me until I arrive to work safely. Why?  Because sometimes the medicines make me so sleepy, it's hard to stay awake and drive. So he talks to me and keeps me alert.  Love is looking at my many rolls and telling me I'm beautiful...and I believe it cuz it shows on his face.

Love is carrying down a load of clothes because I have overstuffed it and can't drag it down.  Love is making my favorite dinners, love is not complaining about my fan blowing in his face.. even when it's 20 degrees outside.  Love is laughing at my pathetic attempts at a fart bomb that comes out sounding like a wookie.. and paying me back in triple with REAL farts that are truly made by a man. and you can laugh about them. Because.. dammit.. farts are funny!

Love is holding me when I am a crying blubbering mess and telling me we'll get through this together.  Love is not forcing me to send the lab a poop sample. disgusting!! that shit is for old people. not me. :)  and sorry.. i'm not sticking a sample of crap in the mail. not happening.

Love is acceptance, kindness, understanding, forgiveness.. and sometimes over and over for the same damn thing (sorry... i farted on you while you were sleeping and pulled the sheet over your head. I don't think you remember. you rolled over though )

I love my friends to the point that I will drop what I'm doing and run to help them out. that is my nature. That, to me is love. 

Enough of the topic.. onward to the medication.


I have finished 7 days of the Tasigna and have noticed side effects that didn't occur with Sprycel.  Every joint aches.  Every old bone I hurt.. hurts again.  The shit tastes like, well, SHIT. I had one stuck in my throat this morning and while I was in a panic to find some more water to swallow, it started to dissolve and I could taste it. kinda sulfurish.  just YUCK!!!!  I have also noted that I can't walk up stairs with my usual pep. I have to stop midway and breath before continuing. I will not take the elevator to the second floor though. screw that. it's lazy people who do that.  not me.  I can tear up some chicken, and while on Sprycel,  chicken was the enemy.  When it's time to eat... I'm frigging hungry.  I do have a bit of nausea, but it's not as bad. (yet).  I've only slipped one time with the mandatory, no eating 2 hours before (take pill) and no eating one hour after.  I slipped up and ate a gummy worm. we're hoping the sugar dissolved before taking the medication.  I also get dizzy when I've been on my knees. no pervs.. i get on my knees sometimes when sorting fabric colors or petting the dog. Getting up, I've seen so many stars I feel like passing out. However, the time I actually DID pass out, i don't remember seeing any stars. so not sure what that means.

anyway.. that is about it for today.  I've a final tomorrow and damned if i didn't leave my freaking book at work. So, i'll be studying tomorrow.. at work.. and hope for a good grade in the class.  I hate sociology. my next class is going to be in homeland security. I need that one before I can tackle any of the other classes.

ta for now!  peace and chicken grease!

Tasigna, day 2 (and other stuff)

I fell asleep around 10:30 last night, and slept until 5am. I shouldn't be this darn tired but I am. Then again, I am always sleepy.. maybe it's age. :)  Kind of like uncontrollable flatulence, it's not because of the medication, it's age.

Yesterday was my first full day of the megga meds, and I really need to give props to my husband.  I failed to do that last night and I should have, because when I broke down sobbing, he held me. He was loving and listened to my fears and was encouraging and strong. I took them because of his faith that these pills will make me better. He loves me so much that he just held me and let me cry it out and then hugged me tighter once i took them.  He took time out from work last night to see if I had taken the next dose.  He was awake this morning for the third dose. THAT is support!! And now and forever more, when I hear the song, Lean on me, I will be thinking of him. Because he sent that to me last night so I would hear it this morning.  100 lifetimes would not be enough with this man. I love him so much and I actually FEEL and KNOW he loves me back. That is amazing to me.

So, I'm sitting at work and boss comes in and usually after he greets me, it's "where is my calendar" and I hand it to him. He'll stand at my desk and add or subtract things from the day and tell me to print another. Not today. Today he said good morning and then stood at my desk and asked how I was feeling. He told me his sister has to take chemotherapy for the rest of her life (she had a double masectomy) and the stuff she takes has the same side effects I have, but her's had the bonus of making her eyelashes grow super long. Nice, huh!  I hope that happens to me. :D  I'd have longer lashes then Amber!!!  Anyway, it surprised me that he asked how I was doing. he's never asked before.

And I'm getting stuff from coworkers, like a CD about a saint who heals, and another with a series of talks about being saved and angels (I think it's her brother as his name was Father Maturi) I listed to the CD and am listening to the recordings. I won't hurt their feelings by ignoring their concern. Catholic or not.. we both pray to God.

Okay.. the burning question of the day. Do i feel any different than yesterday. yes.  Today I feel:

• achy. my hips are throbbing like I have arthritis in both instead of just the one.
• eyes hurt, headache. Had to take tylenol when I woke this morning because my head hurt. now it's just my eyeballs. heh heh, I said 'balls' :)

that's it so far. I still remember my house number. which is a good thing!

I'll be back later, need to produce some work.

putting the challenge on hold for a day or so

I started a new chemo today (yesterday) and want to write about it. Maybe writing about it will help ease the fear I have inside. 

We decided that I'd take it at 6pm and at 6am since those two times are the least likely times I'd be noshing on food.  Chris hands me the two yellow pills and I don't know what happened to me. One minute I'm like, "sure, lets get it over with" and the next, I'm all crying so hard I can't breath.  I think the side effects scare me (i know they do) and I'm also just tired of taking medicine that makes me ill.  I want to be cancer free.  I want this over with.  So, I eventually stop shaking and crying and try to swallow them, only to get it stuck in my throat.  I had to drink a full glass of water, and a full glass to my stomach is 8-10 ounces. Anyway, I did it. I took them and now am started on the stronger dose of chemo.  I think what made me cry was I had it in my head that I only had to take 2 pills a day.  Not 2 at a time, 4 a day.  That little mind screw... got to me.

Good news, I interviewed with the Dept of Commerce, National Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA for short) and was told that they would narrow down the search in a week.  I got a call back this morning that they wanted me to meet with their Associate Administrator, Mr. Fletcher (I interviewed with the Deputy associate administrator, Laura) and Laura wanted me to email her and Sandy my references.  i did..... and I'm so STOKED.  I have a second interview scheduled for Friday at 11.  I have a fantastic feeling about this job!  You know how you meet people and things just 'click'?  That's how it was there.  A very small office, 5 people. that's it.  and that would be me included.  Nice eh?  And it's located right near the place I used to work in DC, so I worry a bit about terrorist, especially since I'd be located VERY close to the white house.  But, then again, I remember the camera's and all the security on and around pennsylvania avenue... I think we'd be okay. 

Okay, for day 2 of the meds.... my joints are a bit achy.  Not to say it's not from exercising, but it's almost a chore to lift them up and walk.  I ate my strawberry waffles, the krispy kreme doughnut and the avacado today... and I don't want anything else. the thought of food is making me sick again. great. OH.. and it mentioned something about gas.  I have to laugh at that because if there is one thing this gal doens't need, and that is another excuse to fart.  Anyway, I had to excuse myself because as i was peeing.. i was tooting and the bathroom acts like a microphone.  Of course it had to be a full house too.  I didn't come out until it was empty though.  I should have said something like, "have a taste of THAT cheeseburger" (yeah, borrowed from someone else) but I knew who was in there and didn't want THEM to know it was me fartin'.  I hope it goes away soon... i don't want to be known as the crop duster.

Class tonight.  I did my paper on Gay marriage.  I wish I had chosen a different topic because I could have written more if it were just on Coming out in America... so many atheletes and actors I could have included.  this blog sucks by the way.... i'm in a hurry and my form and language are horrible. 

gotta go, it's almost time to leave and head home to my sweetheart and puppy. 

MAY JOURNAL CHALLENGE/PHOTO CHALLENGE

1.       Self Portrait

2.       Favorite color

3.       Hometown

4.       Lines

5.       Something you can’t live without

6.       Nature

7.       Love

8.       No socks

9.       Work

10.   Happiest memory

11.   Moonlight

12.   Birds

13.   Your mother

14.   Flag

15.   Family

16.   Beautiful

17.   Best friend

18.   Chocolate candy

19.   Something you fear

20.   Squares

21.   Light

22.   Culture

23.   Music

24.   Dinner

25.   Hot

26.   You as a child

27.   Iphone or android

28.   Stars

29.   Valuable

30.   Flowers

31.   Goal

I missed most of April, but here are the remaining topics/photo journaling challenges.

15       husband

16       self

17     Something that makes you happy

18       How you feel today

19     Last thing you bought

20       Something you drew

21      Flowers

22      Hair

23       Orange

24   Colorful

25.   Tree

26   Sign

27   Basket

28.   Book

29   Guilty pleasure

30   Bloom

Photo/Journal April 17, 'something that makes me happy'

My dog makes me happy.  I would say my husband, kids, flowers.. but they're all for another journal posting. This one is about Diablo. El Diablo is his given name.

Diablo is 4 and I've had him since he was born. I knew he was my puppy from the moment he came out and I had to cut the sac and rub his tummy to get him to breath.  I knew from that moment, he would be my favorite dog ever.

When I first brought him home, I had him in this small dog carrier that looked huge with him inside. He cried and cried and cried until I couldn't take it anymore and took him out, gave him some kisses and put him in my shirt pocket.  Yes. You read that right, he fit in my shirt pocket and happily too!  We arrived home and he sniffed around a bit, never more than a few feet from his new momma.  I was told that he needed to get used to a dog crate, so I figured.. that's where he'd sleep at night. HAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA  yeah.  It went over about as well as a snowballs chance in hell.  About an hour or so of whining, my roommates were begging me to take him out. Which eventually I did and put him in bed with me.  I had a little doggie bed that totally swamped him, but he laid down and went to sleep in no time.  He was too little to jump off the bed to go potty, and of course being just a baby, he had very little bladder control, so guess where he peed. yeah, in bed. WONDERFUL!  I'd lay down a towl and go back to sleep. I had kids, i knew the routine. The next day I'd scrub the bed with whatever animal pee getter outter they had and repeat.

Diablo is a loveable little guy once he gets to know you.  Back in his puppy days, everyone was a friend and he'd love on anyone who'd pet him. Nowdays, he'd bite if he wasn't controlled. I dont' know why he changed, but maybe it's because he's super protective of me.

I don't see how people give up their animals because I have never loved a dog more than I do this one, and he showes me every day just how much he loves his human.  Chris says that when I'm gone, Diablo will lay across the back of the sofa and look out the hole he made in the blinds until I come home in the evenings.  When I walk in the door, he's off to find a toy, sock, pen, chew toy, basically anything and brings it to me joyfully.  If I don't respond quick enough, he'll start jumping, and jumping, and jumping, until I have picked him up for kisses.

We used to put clothes on him, but one day he decided he hated it and actually stood in one spot for almost 20 minutes.  Once they're off, he'll hide them. Crafty littel buggar. 

And freshly washed clothes, better still, freshly washed BLACK clothing. shirts, shorts, jeans, sweats, and his favorite, our black sheets.  LURVES the sheets so hard that we don't use them anymore. I try to cover all the other freshly washed clothing with the black sheets, just so he gets his 'lets deposit as much fur as possible EVERYWHERE' quota and he's happy.  Or so you'd think. he likes to burrow. so my efforts to cover all theh clothes are for naught, cuz the little crapper is under the pile somewhere.

Anyway, i was too tired to post this last night, so I'll show one more photo, and then start today's blog challenge. 

What?!   At least I didn't put lipstick on him. Although, he's been caught doing just that and with my 24 hour wear. So it lasts until Mommy gets home and sees what he's done while she's at work.  Such a comedian. :D

Photo/journal project for April 16. Self portrait

Oh how I like posting photos of myself. It would seem that way but not really.

I'm not a big fan of seeing myself in pictures, i guess because I'm the quickest to pick out flaws. But so it be, that is the challenge today and I'll do it.  This is me today at work trying my best to be cheery and happy. I am beginning to feel it too.

I'm thinking of coloring my hair a dark brown. Get rid of the red, it's starting to get boring. Maybe keep the blond but do a warm chestnut color.  

Also, I want to start tanning again. I mean, I pay so I should go. I enjoyed it, it was the one thing I enjoyed doing and had total peace and quiet for 20 minutes. I'm going to start back soon. *puttin foot down* 

and a tan neeta makes a happy neeta.  really, I already have a form of cancer, what's another one to go with it? Keep it company :D  I want to tan!!!

So, Chris has been talking about a birthday party.  Originally he wanted it to be a surprise, but since he doesn't really know the gal friends I have, he wanted some ideas.  I don't really have any.  Maybe meet at a club and play pool?  a park and have a picnic?  The problem that always happens is that my bday is on a holiday and most people are gone. I don't think people will show up.. LOL... so maybe we'll just do a family thing at noon on Sunday, and if no one shows up, we can go fishing instead.

My journal challenge for the month of April, date 15 (a little late) is husband

He's my best friend.  The most gorgeous man I've ever seen. He is the person I can go to grumpy as all hell and he'll open his arms and hold me until everything is okay again.  He doesn't need to say a word to make me better, just opens his arms.  He's a man I'd do anything for, anything.  You take the good with the bad and that is a relationship.

What bad could there be you ask? Well, sometimes, his farts are so bad, I have to turn the fan on high and blow it back to him.  Or retaliate.  He turns into the tickle monster and I get attacked until I almost pee myself.  But, fate played a trick on him.. he's more ticklish than I am. hahaha  Sometimes, we plan to clean up a room to ditch old crap, and get side tracked and feel that spending our time doing something else, fishing, cuddling, walking, riding our bikes, is more productive than worrying about a silly room.

My big task this weekend is to make a little space and donate the clothes that don't fit me.   Besides, spring is here and I need to get all my winter stuff put away, preferably in the attic.

He even loves me in the morning!!  Every morning it's the same routine. Me dragging my butt out of bed and away from the warm snuggly arms of my husband. But I do, and then sit on the edge of the bed grumbling at Julie Wright because of the traffic report, or whoever is giving the weather for the day.  Then I hobble to the bathroom, wash my face with ice cold water and brush the chicklets.  Weigh myself, get mad and grumble back to the bedroom.

Just before I leave, I kiss him good bye and my cute sleeping Italian rolls over and NEVER fails to tell me how beautiful I am, and that he loves me, and to drive safe.  I love that about him.  Sometimes, when I'm really tired, he will call me to keep me awake as I drive to work.  The meds I take make me so sleepy, it takes a long while to wake up.  Especially if I get less than 7 hours of sleep.


I think when he cooks, it's the best ever. I can't match his pork chops and I give up on getting my chicken to taste like his.  YUM YUM.  He's a great cook and I'm learning a lot about Zacs special diet and try to make things for him that are special, like these corn muffins. He loved them and they're int he freezer in case he wants another some day.

We're going to Assateague island for the week Memorial Day.  The first and second night will be on the beach right next to the ocean!!!  I cannot WAIT for this to happen.. then packing up and going Fort Whaley, the first place he and I camped when we were dating.  I loved it there most of all because that is where we went for our first getaway. We'll be there Thursday - Sunday and coming home. Monday is off day just so I can relax and clean up a bit.  Just so excited!!!

He takes really good care of me, reminding me of my medications, going with me to my oncologist appointments so I don't have to hear bad news alone, and if' it's good.. we celebrate together.

I could go on and on about why I love my husband but he makes my heart light and puts a smile on my face every day. I love you darling. always.

Anniversary-Valentines day

Yes. Yes I do share my day with every lovebird out there and it's okay. Because I'm not stingy like that. :)  And when I'm old and senile, I can remember my anniversary. LOL Chris was no dummy picking this date, he knows I'll be old and senile before him.

The day started like any other day, my cell phone yelling at me to "Wake up. Get your ass out of bed, you have stuff to do. GET UP. GET UP!!"  Really. That is my alarm ring tone. Works every time, that angry woman scares me and I get up. Sometimes pretty grouchy too. Maybe if I changed my ringtone to something more pleasant, I may wake up in a better mood but doubtful. I would still grumble having to wake up at 5am.

I get up, hook up my caffiene IV drip, and go through the routine of waking up. pet the dog, snuggle up to the husband and damned if I'm not snoozing for another 15 - 30 minutes then rushing because i'm going to be so so late. I toss my face in my gym bag and throw on some jeans and t-shirt (yeah, I work really hard at looking professional). Get to work and start the countdown until Chris gets here for lunch. It's only a half day for me, well, a little over a half day.  He gets here and I give him the short tour and we leave. :)  We go home and pack a bag for the evening and exchange gifts.  I got this beautiful necklace, two dozen yellow roses (still looking good), a queen sized electric blanket, two redskins shirts, and two reskins hats. One I REALLY love, it has ears!! I got him a dutch oven, the BLU cig pack, redskins shirt, and jammies.  Of course, two of those items were Christmas gifts I just found hidden in my closet. He spoiled me.. and i kinda feel bad about not getting good stuff for him. Next time will be better.

So, on to our anniversary evening. It was like living in nudest colony. nuff said. :)  It was so nice to be unplugged from society,  no phones ringing, no computers, no ipods or kindles... just the two of us, talking, and having a great time in each others company. We did run out for food, but that was it. :)  Since i'm not sure who exactly reads my blog .. i'm just going to say it was the best anniversary/valentines day-evening I've ever had. Chris.. I love you to pieces.

I'm looking forward to camping this summer. Still havent' gotten the days off work, but darnit, it's well enough in advance, I should get it with no problems.

gotta go for now... work calleth.

The 5 love languages

I haven't finished reading the book but so far it's pretty danged good.  I know one of the love language I like is hearing the words.  It's a girl thing I suppose, although Chris say's he likes to hear them too. I think we both like that part. Affirmation.  :)  It's nice learning new things about your mate.

Our new building has a light setup that when no one moves for a while, the lights go out.  I guess we are a bunch of lazy folks today because they just shut off and I'm fighting my eyeballs to stay open.  Go figure.  LOL this is NOT the way to keep employees active!! Shove a fire alarm in there or something, that'll wake everyone up and get their blood pumping.  Want something to wake you up?  I am drinking something that tastes like poop. But because I paid 2 bucks for the darn thing, I'm going to drink it and LIKE it.  So, never buy FOCO, Coconut Juice, Jugo de Coco. It should be called jugo de mierda.  mcseriously.

speaking of mierda, it's been three days.  Either I go here at work soon or I'm taking a chance of breaking the house toilet again.  wtf. and the stuff I take to help me go is GROSS. so's this topic but, well, this is my blog so my poop is important to me. :)  I have to write this stuff down so I don't go two weeks without poopin, you do know that's bad for you right? it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so fully of shit. No seriously, I'm full of shit. :/

The job fell through at the National Science Foundation. Which is a bummer because I kinda thought I had that in the bag. I think they really needed someone who could start right away, I think that because they asked me a few times if I would have to give a two week notice.  Which of I would have to do simply because I don't work any other way. Respect the employer, they are your reference for petes sake.   I NEED to move on, I am getting no where here.  I saved quite a few prospects but a lot of the agencies are hiring within their agency.  Plus, we have the furlough hanging over our heads. I hope I'm not one of them, that would suck major balls.

Speaking of sucking major balls, I had an email from accounting saying we're not getting paid until Tuesday.  Really?  Maybe I have an anniversary to shop for?!  damn them.

OMG OMG.. I FINALLY TOOK A CRAP!! now i want to weigh in, i had to have lost a pound or two. And NOAA, thank you for the fantastic septic system. up for normal, down for the power poohs.

Well, i need to cram for a quiz... will write more later.