Yes. Yes I do share my day with every lovebird out there and it's okay. Because I'm not stingy like that. :) And when I'm old and senile, I can remember my anniversary. LOL Chris was no dummy picking this date, he knows I'll be old and senile before him.
The day started like any other day, my cell phone yelling at me to "Wake up. Get your ass out of bed, you have stuff to do. GET UP. GET UP!!" Really. That is my alarm ring tone. Works every time, that angry woman scares me and I get up. Sometimes pretty grouchy too. Maybe if I changed my ringtone to something more pleasant, I may wake up in a better mood but doubtful. I would still grumble having to wake up at 5am.
I get up, hook up my caffiene IV drip, and go through the routine of waking up. pet the dog, snuggle up to the husband and damned if I'm not snoozing for another 15 - 30 minutes then rushing because i'm going to be so so late. I toss my face in my gym bag and throw on some jeans and t-shirt (yeah, I work really hard at looking professional). Get to work and start the countdown until Chris gets here for lunch. It's only a half day for me, well, a little over a half day. He gets here and I give him the short tour and we leave. :) We go home and pack a bag for the evening and exchange gifts. I got this beautiful necklace, two dozen yellow roses (still looking good), a queen sized electric blanket, two redskins shirts, and two reskins hats. One I REALLY love, it has ears!! I got him a dutch oven, the BLU cig pack, redskins shirt, and jammies. Of course, two of those items were Christmas gifts I just found hidden in my closet. He spoiled me.. and i kinda feel bad about not getting good stuff for him. Next time will be better.
So, on to our anniversary evening. It was like living in nudest colony. nuff said. :) It was so nice to be unplugged from society, no phones ringing, no computers, no ipods or kindles... just the two of us, talking, and having a great time in each others company. We did run out for food, but that was it. :) Since i'm not sure who exactly reads my blog .. i'm just going to say it was the best anniversary/valentines day-evening I've ever had. Chris.. I love you to pieces.
I'm looking forward to camping this summer. Still havent' gotten the days off work, but darnit, it's well enough in advance, I should get it with no problems.
gotta go for now... work calleth.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The 5 love languages
I haven't finished reading the book but so far it's pretty danged good. I know one of the love language I like is hearing the words. It's a girl thing I suppose, although Chris say's he likes to hear them too. I think we both like that part. Affirmation. :) It's nice learning new things about your mate.
Our new building has a light setup that when no one moves for a while, the lights go out. I guess we are a bunch of lazy folks today because they just shut off and I'm fighting my eyeballs to stay open. Go figure. LOL this is NOT the way to keep employees active!! Shove a fire alarm in there or something, that'll wake everyone up and get their blood pumping. Want something to wake you up? I am drinking something that tastes like poop. But because I paid 2 bucks for the darn thing, I'm going to drink it and LIKE it. So, never buy FOCO, Coconut Juice, Jugo de Coco. It should be called jugo de mierda. mcseriously.
speaking of mierda, it's been three days. Either I go here at work soon or I'm taking a chance of breaking the house toilet again. wtf. and the stuff I take to help me go is GROSS. so's this topic but, well, this is my blog so my poop is important to me. :) I have to write this stuff down so I don't go two weeks without poopin, you do know that's bad for you right? it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so fully of shit. No seriously, I'm full of shit. :/
The job fell through at the National Science Foundation. Which is a bummer because I kinda thought I had that in the bag. I think they really needed someone who could start right away, I think that because they asked me a few times if I would have to give a two week notice. Which of I would have to do simply because I don't work any other way. Respect the employer, they are your reference for petes sake. I NEED to move on, I am getting no where here. I saved quite a few prospects but a lot of the agencies are hiring within their agency. Plus, we have the furlough hanging over our heads. I hope I'm not one of them, that would suck major balls.
Speaking of sucking major balls, I had an email from accounting saying we're not getting paid until Tuesday. Really? Maybe I have an anniversary to shop for?! damn them.
OMG OMG.. I FINALLY TOOK A CRAP!! now i want to weigh in, i had to have lost a pound or two. And NOAA, thank you for the fantastic septic system. up for normal, down for the power poohs.
Well, i need to cram for a quiz... will write more later.
Our new building has a light setup that when no one moves for a while, the lights go out. I guess we are a bunch of lazy folks today because they just shut off and I'm fighting my eyeballs to stay open. Go figure. LOL this is NOT the way to keep employees active!! Shove a fire alarm in there or something, that'll wake everyone up and get their blood pumping. Want something to wake you up? I am drinking something that tastes like poop. But because I paid 2 bucks for the darn thing, I'm going to drink it and LIKE it. So, never buy FOCO, Coconut Juice, Jugo de Coco. It should be called jugo de mierda. mcseriously.
speaking of mierda, it's been three days. Either I go here at work soon or I'm taking a chance of breaking the house toilet again. wtf. and the stuff I take to help me go is GROSS. so's this topic but, well, this is my blog so my poop is important to me. :) I have to write this stuff down so I don't go two weeks without poopin, you do know that's bad for you right? it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so fully of shit. No seriously, I'm full of shit. :/
The job fell through at the National Science Foundation. Which is a bummer because I kinda thought I had that in the bag. I think they really needed someone who could start right away, I think that because they asked me a few times if I would have to give a two week notice. Which of I would have to do simply because I don't work any other way. Respect the employer, they are your reference for petes sake. I NEED to move on, I am getting no where here. I saved quite a few prospects but a lot of the agencies are hiring within their agency. Plus, we have the furlough hanging over our heads. I hope I'm not one of them, that would suck major balls.
Speaking of sucking major balls, I had an email from accounting saying we're not getting paid until Tuesday. Really? Maybe I have an anniversary to shop for?! damn them.
OMG OMG.. I FINALLY TOOK A CRAP!! now i want to weigh in, i had to have lost a pound or two. And NOAA, thank you for the fantastic septic system. up for normal, down for the power poohs.
Well, i need to cram for a quiz... will write more later.
Monday, February 11, 2013
I think i really hate it here.
I had on my calendar a meeting with my supervisor and the administrative officer to go over my making up hours for medical appointments. What it turned out to be was I am an inadequate employee and I am supposed to know everything that goes on in the office, especially since the walls are so thin. I am to know how to process badges, a job that requires TRAINING and is what Trivita trained for and when I responded with, "Okay, since you expect me to know not only MY job, but hers as well, am I to assume I'm getting the necessary training to do the job as her backup?" the answer was no. How the flying fuck am I expected to be a backup to someone if I don't have the training or necessary skills to perform the job? hello.. setup to fail right there.
then they mentioned the publications. The bane of my existence. a job I pleaded to not get because I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with them. And damned if I'm going to over 800 scientists to ask if they've had anything published, where, when, how much did it cost us, was it peer related, was it an a conference, a title and the bibliographical data. I send an email out the beginning of each month asking those questions. if the buttmunches don't want to respond, I'm not wasting my time knocking on doors, then chance a reprimand for not being at MY DESK. On top of everything else they expect me to do. Frankly, what they ask is impossible and is part of the reason Susan worked 12 hour days. This bitch is not getting paid overtime and damned if I'm going to stress out like she did. Fuck them. So, I stormed out the office, ran for the bathroom and cried like a baby for a few minutes.
The only thing good that came out of the meeting is I can come in at 6:30am and make up my hours for when I have a medical appointment. so basically I'm back on the AWS schedule, but it can't SAY aws. Which also means I have to get up earlier.
I think being told that there has been no improvement from my review set me on a bad edge. What the hell do they want from me? I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, and trying to improve...and they expect more? Whose job am I doing anyway?
On a plus note... things are going amazingly well with my other half. to think I wasted so much time brooding because i thought he didn't want me and the whole time he did. We've been rather busy making up for lost time. That's all I'm saying on the matter. I love him with my whole heart.. and he's the only one I've given 100% to (kids excluded.. that's normal). I've never trusted anyone like I do him. I think what happened earlier showed me that he really does love me. Not that I was testing it, but I doubted. I don't anymore.
Our 2 year anniversary is coming up and i only picked one thing up for him... and it's stupid. I wish I knew what to get him... it's driving me nuts. Still a few days to go, but I hope something comes up soon. I want it to be special.
g2g for now, the gym calleth. and so does lunch.
then they mentioned the publications. The bane of my existence. a job I pleaded to not get because I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with them. And damned if I'm going to over 800 scientists to ask if they've had anything published, where, when, how much did it cost us, was it peer related, was it an a conference, a title and the bibliographical data. I send an email out the beginning of each month asking those questions. if the buttmunches don't want to respond, I'm not wasting my time knocking on doors, then chance a reprimand for not being at MY DESK. On top of everything else they expect me to do. Frankly, what they ask is impossible and is part of the reason Susan worked 12 hour days. This bitch is not getting paid overtime and damned if I'm going to stress out like she did. Fuck them. So, I stormed out the office, ran for the bathroom and cried like a baby for a few minutes.
The only thing good that came out of the meeting is I can come in at 6:30am and make up my hours for when I have a medical appointment. so basically I'm back on the AWS schedule, but it can't SAY aws. Which also means I have to get up earlier.
I think being told that there has been no improvement from my review set me on a bad edge. What the hell do they want from me? I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, and trying to improve...and they expect more? Whose job am I doing anyway?
On a plus note... things are going amazingly well with my other half. to think I wasted so much time brooding because i thought he didn't want me and the whole time he did. We've been rather busy making up for lost time. That's all I'm saying on the matter. I love him with my whole heart.. and he's the only one I've given 100% to (kids excluded.. that's normal). I've never trusted anyone like I do him. I think what happened earlier showed me that he really does love me. Not that I was testing it, but I doubted. I don't anymore.
Our 2 year anniversary is coming up and i only picked one thing up for him... and it's stupid. I wish I knew what to get him... it's driving me nuts. Still a few days to go, but I hope something comes up soon. I want it to be special.
g2g for now, the gym calleth. and so does lunch.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
just remember.. when you go to read these, they are WAY out of date
I worked on all the drafts and published them, finished or not. so that way I can keep more on top of my wramblings. no more saving in drafts to delete later.
I hope nothing hurts your feelings, I don't mean it to, and we've worked through so many of the things anyway.. i love you my darling. you are my whole world.
I hope nothing hurts your feelings, I don't mean it to, and we've worked through so many of the things anyway.. i love you my darling. you are my whole world.
Saturday was a beautiful day. I had signed up for the 5K Autism Speaks walk in Washington, DC and talked Amber and Ashley into walking with me. Set the alarm for 6am so I could get the bone popping and stretching out the way. get there and the hogettes are up on stage doing jumping jacks. bastard old fuckers.. JUMPING JACKS. so I had to do some too... and down I went. busted my knee good.
After Amber and Ashley finished laughing at me, they helped me up and we finished hte walk. but i was a'hurtin bad the next few days.
After Amber and Ashley finished laughing at me, they helped me up and we finished hte walk. but i was a'hurtin bad the next few days.
Yeah, I'm thankful
for a LOT of things. I'm thankful that my dog loves me, even when I fart on his head. Maybe the little fella should find a new sleeping place other than my rear end.
I'm thankful that I have two awesome kids. I'm thankful that my step kids like me. I'm thankful that there is a man next to me who's seen me without my teeth, seen me with a beard, hairy legs, stinky parts no man should ever have to smell, and been by my side every hospital visit. if not in the sleeping chair, then in the bed with nme.
Yes.. i have a lot to be thankful for.
I'm thankful that I have two awesome kids. I'm thankful that my step kids like me. I'm thankful that there is a man next to me who's seen me without my teeth, seen me with a beard, hairy legs, stinky parts no man should ever have to smell, and been by my side every hospital visit. if not in the sleeping chair, then in the bed with nme.
Yes.. i have a lot to be thankful for.
Mistakes and true love
I must say, I never thought my marriage would be as fantastic as it is today. I have married my best friend. This man has seen me at my absolute worst and has stayed by my side through it all, and when I did the worst possible thing in a marriage, he still stayed by my side. God put him in my life and i will spend the rest of mine treating him like the gift he was meant to be.
This morning I woke up a bit earlier than I wanted too, but i turned to my side facing my husband and just memorized his beautiful face. So peaceful, he even looked happy in his sleep. I can't believe my good fortune. Then when he wakes up, his blue eyes on me, i feel a rush of teenage like giddiness and this always happens, nearly 3 years together and I still feel like a giddy teenager when he looks at me.
He's started going to the gym with me again and that helps keep me motivated. He's even raised the bar from my normal 30 minutes max to 45. And (minor gripe here) he's lost weight.. and I HAVEN'T. I'm excited for him but a bit jealous that mine wants to cling to me as long as possible. So not fair. LOL but i enjoy having him next to me working out... like a couples thing. both of us getting healthy so we live longer. Something happens to him, and they may as well dig another grave because I couldn't live without him. The pain would be too much. Hell, i had a dream not too long ago that he suddenly was gone and I woke up cold, my heart was beating a million miles an hour and I had a panic attack. He was in the bathtub.. but still... the thought of him leaving, or dying.. is the most frightening thing I never want to deal with.
I'm so looking forward to our anniversary this week. We get it alone.. WHEEEE.. no kids, no dog to walk, no kiddo to take to work.. just him and me, in a room, doing what ever we want to do. AWESOME!! i picked up this cute little red nighty that I'm dying to try on and some blueberry stuff that gets hot as you lick it off. mmm... blueberrys :) I also ordered him something of Amazon that is not the typical anniversary gift, but we needed one and I think we'll get a lot of use out of it. it's a kitchen thing.
the boys have been fantastic today. Caleb only told Zac to shut up one time!! and although Zac has been steadily coughing, he seems to be trying to cover up as he does. I really don't want to get sick this week. God, please not this week.
You know, somthing that has been bothering me a lot lately is that his family talked about going to the beach this summer, and they used the word 'family vacation'. .but they failed to include any of us. Chris is their family, the boys are their grandsons, I'm their daughter in law... and we were excluded. It hurt MY feelings so I know it really hurt his. I mean, we may not have been able to go because of the costs associated with a beach house, bu.t to not even extend the invitation was a low blow I didn't expect mom and dad to do. I mean, I wish we saw more of each other, but at times, it feels like the only reason we're invited over is because it's the proper thing to do. And I can't help but think some of it is because of Zac. But what they dont' understand is he's a great boy, and he listens when you remind him about sitting properly, and putting his games away for dinnertime and sure, he runs around a lot and doesn't watch where he is going, but so does the baby... people just need to pay more attention to what he's doing. He's a great boy. I don't understand them. When I've had too much, I go to my room to decompress. anyway, it hurt me to know that Chris may have had his feelings hurt by being excluded from the event. and the more I reflect on it, the more mad I get. I have to let it go.
He surprised me the other day and said that we might get to go camping for the week of my birthday. I know that I said I wanted a birthday party this year, but I'll forgo a party to spend a week with my husband, just us, enjoying the sounds of outside, and doing the things we did before we got married. God, i love him!!!
Well, I'll write more tomorrow, the meds are starting to hit me and my writing is getting bad. Plus, I have church tomorrow and we're on part 5 of a 10 part series, dont' want ot miss it.. it's a good one.
oh blow me and my bad writing technique.. i'm tired. fucker.
As I lay in bed beside you
our bodies holding each so tight
absolutly certain of one thing
i'll never give up on this fight.
We've been thorugh so much,
some good, some bad
but God has bless me with a Great man
who's heart is full forgiveness not vengeance.
I don't know if I deserve him God,
but I'll do the best I can to cherish the gift
there is but one thing I truly desire
60 years with the man of my dreams, if you see fit.
sorry my poem sucks... i'm tired and took my deds.
This morning I woke up a bit earlier than I wanted too, but i turned to my side facing my husband and just memorized his beautiful face. So peaceful, he even looked happy in his sleep. I can't believe my good fortune. Then when he wakes up, his blue eyes on me, i feel a rush of teenage like giddiness and this always happens, nearly 3 years together and I still feel like a giddy teenager when he looks at me.
He's started going to the gym with me again and that helps keep me motivated. He's even raised the bar from my normal 30 minutes max to 45. And (minor gripe here) he's lost weight.. and I HAVEN'T. I'm excited for him but a bit jealous that mine wants to cling to me as long as possible. So not fair. LOL but i enjoy having him next to me working out... like a couples thing. both of us getting healthy so we live longer. Something happens to him, and they may as well dig another grave because I couldn't live without him. The pain would be too much. Hell, i had a dream not too long ago that he suddenly was gone and I woke up cold, my heart was beating a million miles an hour and I had a panic attack. He was in the bathtub.. but still... the thought of him leaving, or dying.. is the most frightening thing I never want to deal with.
I'm so looking forward to our anniversary this week. We get it alone.. WHEEEE.. no kids, no dog to walk, no kiddo to take to work.. just him and me, in a room, doing what ever we want to do. AWESOME!! i picked up this cute little red nighty that I'm dying to try on and some blueberry stuff that gets hot as you lick it off. mmm... blueberrys :) I also ordered him something of Amazon that is not the typical anniversary gift, but we needed one and I think we'll get a lot of use out of it. it's a kitchen thing.
the boys have been fantastic today. Caleb only told Zac to shut up one time!! and although Zac has been steadily coughing, he seems to be trying to cover up as he does. I really don't want to get sick this week. God, please not this week.
You know, somthing that has been bothering me a lot lately is that his family talked about going to the beach this summer, and they used the word 'family vacation'. .but they failed to include any of us. Chris is their family, the boys are their grandsons, I'm their daughter in law... and we were excluded. It hurt MY feelings so I know it really hurt his. I mean, we may not have been able to go because of the costs associated with a beach house, bu.t to not even extend the invitation was a low blow I didn't expect mom and dad to do. I mean, I wish we saw more of each other, but at times, it feels like the only reason we're invited over is because it's the proper thing to do. And I can't help but think some of it is because of Zac. But what they dont' understand is he's a great boy, and he listens when you remind him about sitting properly, and putting his games away for dinnertime and sure, he runs around a lot and doesn't watch where he is going, but so does the baby... people just need to pay more attention to what he's doing. He's a great boy. I don't understand them. When I've had too much, I go to my room to decompress. anyway, it hurt me to know that Chris may have had his feelings hurt by being excluded from the event. and the more I reflect on it, the more mad I get. I have to let it go.
He surprised me the other day and said that we might get to go camping for the week of my birthday. I know that I said I wanted a birthday party this year, but I'll forgo a party to spend a week with my husband, just us, enjoying the sounds of outside, and doing the things we did before we got married. God, i love him!!!
Well, I'll write more tomorrow, the meds are starting to hit me and my writing is getting bad. Plus, I have church tomorrow and we're on part 5 of a 10 part series, dont' want ot miss it.. it's a good one.
oh blow me and my bad writing technique.. i'm tired. fucker.
As I lay in bed beside you
our bodies holding each so tight
absolutly certain of one thing
i'll never give up on this fight.
We've been thorugh so much,
some good, some bad
but God has bless me with a Great man
who's heart is full forgiveness not vengeance.
I don't know if I deserve him God,
but I'll do the best I can to cherish the gift
there is but one thing I truly desire
60 years with the man of my dreams, if you see fit.
sorry my poem sucks... i'm tired and took my deds.
I hurt someone today
and I never thought, in a million years, I'd be the one doing the things done to me. He doesn't deserve it, he didn't deserve to be hurt this way. I am sick of myself. sick of it all :(
It all started going downhill, for me anyway, the day of our anniversary, Feb. 14, 2012 when we couldn't celebrate our 1 year because his ex wife wouldn't keep the boys. He didn't say anything to her, say anything in response to her comment of "it's valentines day for everyone". He should have said it was our FIRST year anniversary and left it at that. No. So we get stuck with the boys on our anniversary.
Then it's the off hand comments that I shouldn't be helping my son, when his oldest son is living in the house and doesn't do anything unless you ask him.
then I've been asking for one spot in the house to put my craft stuff. Last summer he said he'd do part of the basement. he started, but didn't finish. I wanted help with the outside, didn't get it. It all comes down to nothing in the house is mine that isn't kept in the bedroom. I asked to use my dishes that are in storage and was told no, he liked the one's we have. I asked to bring some of my things over, hang them on the walls, and get 'no, the walls will have holes in them'. but there is are posters hanging on two of them. I wanted pictures hung in our bedroom, and get the same response. It seems like I live there, but don't really live there. It's my house, but not really my house.
I'd get goofy cards now and then, and it's been so long I can't remember the last one. He used to send me emails, the last one I have is letting me know about scouts. i rarely get im's, or random phone calls at work.. nothing. Everything I loved about him he stopped doing almost as soon as we got married. The biggest? I asked him to kiss me and he brushes his lips against mine. that's not a kiss. That's brushing your lips against someone you don't really want to kiss. Fucking grab my arms and KISS ME like you are a dying man. I need to feel that kind of passion. I miss that kind of passion.
Then I started talking to an old friend from school and things went too far. He gave what I needed and I shouldn't have done it. I would like to place all the blame on him, but i can't. As an adult, it's my responsibility to own up to what I did wrong and face it full on. I did this. I hope it can be repaired but I understand if my beloved doesn't want to, I was wrong. so wrong.
It all started going downhill, for me anyway, the day of our anniversary, Feb. 14, 2012 when we couldn't celebrate our 1 year because his ex wife wouldn't keep the boys. He didn't say anything to her, say anything in response to her comment of "it's valentines day for everyone". He should have said it was our FIRST year anniversary and left it at that. No. So we get stuck with the boys on our anniversary.
Then it's the off hand comments that I shouldn't be helping my son, when his oldest son is living in the house and doesn't do anything unless you ask him.
then I've been asking for one spot in the house to put my craft stuff. Last summer he said he'd do part of the basement. he started, but didn't finish. I wanted help with the outside, didn't get it. It all comes down to nothing in the house is mine that isn't kept in the bedroom. I asked to use my dishes that are in storage and was told no, he liked the one's we have. I asked to bring some of my things over, hang them on the walls, and get 'no, the walls will have holes in them'. but there is are posters hanging on two of them. I wanted pictures hung in our bedroom, and get the same response. It seems like I live there, but don't really live there. It's my house, but not really my house.
I'd get goofy cards now and then, and it's been so long I can't remember the last one. He used to send me emails, the last one I have is letting me know about scouts. i rarely get im's, or random phone calls at work.. nothing. Everything I loved about him he stopped doing almost as soon as we got married. The biggest? I asked him to kiss me and he brushes his lips against mine. that's not a kiss. That's brushing your lips against someone you don't really want to kiss. Fucking grab my arms and KISS ME like you are a dying man. I need to feel that kind of passion. I miss that kind of passion.
Then I started talking to an old friend from school and things went too far. He gave what I needed and I shouldn't have done it. I would like to place all the blame on him, but i can't. As an adult, it's my responsibility to own up to what I did wrong and face it full on. I did this. I hope it can be repaired but I understand if my beloved doesn't want to, I was wrong. so wrong.
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