I hurt someone today

and I never thought, in a million years, I'd be the one doing the things done to me.  He doesn't deserve it, he didn't deserve to be hurt this way. I am sick of myself. sick of it all :(

It all started going downhill, for me anyway, the day of our anniversary, Feb. 14, 2012 when we couldn't celebrate our 1 year because his ex wife wouldn't keep the boys. He didn't say anything to her, say anything in response to her comment of "it's valentines day for everyone". He should have said it was our FIRST year anniversary and left it at that. No. So we get stuck with the boys on our anniversary.

Then it's the off hand comments that I shouldn't be helping my son, when his oldest son is living in the house and doesn't do anything unless you ask him.

then I've been asking for one spot in the house to put my craft stuff. Last summer he said he'd do part of the basement. he started, but didn't finish.  I wanted help with the outside, didn't get it.  It all comes down to nothing in the house is mine that isn't kept in the bedroom.  I asked to use my dishes that are in storage and was told no, he liked the one's we have. I asked to bring some of my things over, hang them on the walls, and get 'no, the walls will have holes in them'.  but there is are posters hanging on two of them.  I wanted pictures hung in our bedroom, and get the same response.  It seems like I live there, but don't really live there. It's my house, but not really my house. 
I'd get goofy cards now and then, and it's been so long I can't remember the last one. He used to send me emails, the last one I have is letting me know about scouts.  i rarely get im's, or random phone calls at work.. nothing. Everything I loved about him he stopped doing almost as soon as we got married. The biggest?  I asked him to kiss me and he brushes his lips against mine. that's not a kiss. That's brushing your lips against someone you don't really want to kiss.  Fucking grab my arms and KISS ME like you are a dying man. I need to feel that kind of passion. I miss that kind of passion.
Then I started talking to an old friend from school and things went too far. He gave what I needed and I shouldn't have done it.  I would like to place all the blame on him, but i can't. As an adult, it's my responsibility to own up to what I did wrong and face it full on.  I did this. I hope it can be repaired but I understand if my beloved doesn't want to, I was wrong. so wrong.